In Other Words

Introvert

So I’ve been struggling these last couple of days with internal thoughts. Think that largely happened because of the injured finger. Couldn’t just spit out words onto the screen, which is normally quite therapeutic. Got thinking about my own life and, especially, about my own personality. It’s important to do that every so often, I find.

Concentrating on my inability to shut up, this time. That’s fine when you’re writing, but a bit of a pain to the people around you when their trying to talk and you wont let them. I was provoked into this train of thought by a number of muttered comments on Sunday that cut me right deep.

The really interesting thing about it is that I didn’t used to actually talk all that much. There was always people around me that talked a whole lot more. It is a relatively new acquisition (read the last few years). Now I find that I have serious trouble trying to keep quiet, which is really a bother because I find the best way to learn is to listen. People talk and I respond. Even before I’ve actually thought about it in anyway. I seem to have trained myself into saying almost everything that comes to mind that I think might even be remotely interesting.

Where did I get the arrogance from to think that people actually want to listen to what I have to say? I think that’s the real thing I’m trying to understand right now. I’m relatively self-assured, I’ve known that for a while, but when did arrogance creep into my personality? Arrogance is a terrible trait that keeps an individual from growing (if you don’t listen, you don’t learn).

So I haven’t quite figured out what I want to do about it yet. I think realisation helps, already, but that’s not enough. A problem doesn’t go away simply because its recognised.

Some serious thought needs to go into how I want to be, versus how I am. Seem serious contemplation into how I think people see me and how people actually see me.

What I also need to understand is why people have trouble confronting me with the problems they have with me. This is a much stronger trait in general out here in Asia and I still have trouble understanding it. How am I meant to improve myself if people don’t tell me what is wrong with me? Yeah, it hurts but in the long run isn’t honesty the best policy with your friends? As a matter of fact, I don’t think I would consider somebody a friend if they were not consistently honest with me.

What use is a friend who builds you up on false premonitions that nobody else agrees with? To me that type of friend is only setting you up to get knocked down again.

Am I making it more difficult for people to approach me? Does my attempt at witticisms make people feel like I wouldn’t appreciate the truth?

Enough questions to keep me going for a while.

Don’t worry, I’ll return to my regular rants soon enough. After all, I still can’t keep quiet.

Interesting fact: Because heat expands the metal, the Eiffel Tower always leans away from the sun.

posted by Symbol @ 26.8.04